"Valuing rather than judging leads to added value for everyone," says psychiatrist Prof. Dr. Reinhard Haller as one of three laws of the "miracle of appreciation." What are the other two rules, and why is appreciation so important and beneficial for musicians (and not only for them)? Why is appreciation so important?
Why is appreciation so important - not only for musicians?
As humans, we are the most intelligent and highly evolved beings on Earth, but above all, we are social animals. From an evolutionary and neurobiological perspective, it is evident from the developmental line that more highly evolved, i.e., more intelligent animals, are generally more social. Interestingly, there is an additional correlation here: the more intelligent the animal, the relatively larger the neocortex compared to the deeper, older parts of the brain - in humans, this ratio, known as the encephalization quotient, is particularly significant. One main theory explaining this development is related to the size of the social system. Humans have not only the largest social network, especially in the global world, but also the most complex social behaviors (interaction, communication) to manage. Social intelligence (e.g., perspective-taking, empathy, etc.) also increases with brain size and is relatively best developed in our ancestors, the primates. But why is this the case?
The social system is the most crucial system for ensuring our existence. In contrast to the brain's performance with intelligence and social skills, we fare worse than most animals in almost all other physical characteristics: we are neither particularly fast nor enduring, neither exceptionally strong nor agile, we see poorly at night and, for some, not much better during the day, we don't have sharp teeth, and we are not particularly well-armed in general. Therefore, our strength and unfortunately also our weapon against opponents are our social abilities and belonging to our own group. This is why rejection, exclusion, and bullying are as painful as physical pain and why lack of appreciation can lead to mental illness and, in extreme cases, suicide. Genuine appreciation is existential and indispensable for humans. Each of us, after a short reflection, will realize that the vast majority of our daily actions are driven by the entirely natural desire to receive praise and recognition, to belong, and to be valuable. Without appreciation, we quickly feel unseen and insignificant - and this feeling is essential for belonging to a social group. Valuing rather than judging leads to added value for everyone!
Valuing rather than judging leads to added value for everyone!
Experiencing appreciation means that someone communicates to us that we have worth in their life, that they acknowledge our efforts, that we are irreplaceable, and that they need us. This feeling provides us with security and attachment to that person and our group. Giving appreciation means that we communicate to someone that they are important to us, that we are grateful for them, and that we need them in some way. This last aspect is probably the one that makes it most challenging for us to appreciate others. Mistakenly, we feel that by doing so, we show ourselves as weak, needy, or submissive.
Lack of Appreciation and Wrong Appreciation
Meritocracy and Social Media
In our Western meritocracy, we live in a world of constant comparison. When a child is born, the parents' focus is initially on how well the child achieves the appropriate developmental milestones compared to the age norm. Even during early social interactions and the development of social skills, toddlers begin to make comparisons ("She has more gummy bears," "He has had the scooter for longer"), and this conditioning only intensifies with the start of education and upbringing by others (school, further training) and later in professional life. Grades and certificates are not only used to provide feedback to individuals but are almost always created in comparison to a reference group. In short, "appreciation" in society almost always relates to what someone "has" (possessions) or "can" (abilities), and only incidentally or privately to who he or she "is" (being).
Nowadays, appreciation is also influenced by algorithms through social media. Likes on posts trigger a rush of happiness hormones like dopamine, making many individuals dependent. However, the fatal aspect is that these likes are often neither particularly specific nor personal, often coming from strangers, and the rush fades quickly. Moreover, the platform's algorithm determines how many people will see the post. The constant comparison with others who receive more "likes" or comments turns the algorithm into a guardian of the distribution of digital appreciation and attention. Furthermore, through the platform, we can see how much digital appreciation other accounts receive, which is not always as evident in real life.
Self-Appreciation and Self-Worth Estimation
It is deeply human and ingrained in the functioning of our brains to make comparisons. Even as children, we learn to differentiate through this process, understanding that red is not the same as pink and that apples are not the same as pears. At the beginning of child development, almost everything we perceive is unsorted and is cognitively and usually linguistically categorized through learning (so-called schemas). Categories not only simplify the perception processes themselves, as the brain can later compare incoming stimuli with existing categories already during sensory perception (so-called top-down processes). Categories and schemas also simplify and expedite decision-making and judgments based on previous learning experiences.
The sad downside of this tendency to compare is that we are not only evaluated by others for social and professional reasons but also unconsciously evaluate and categorize others and ourselves on a daily basis in social contexts without necessity. Regardless of the evaluator, there are three possibilities for being compared or comparing oneself in terms of a particular aspect: being compared to those deemed inferior, being compared to those deemed superior, or being compared to oneself (past self or desired self).
Comparing oneself to one's past self, ideally with appropriate, attainable goals and without excessive ambition, is undoubtedly the healthiest approach. Using one's past self and desired self as points of comparison can enhance the experience of self-efficacy and gratitude for milestones already achieved, as well as promote further motivation. Both aspects are crucial for mental health and counteract depressive symptoms, which, among other things, include hopelessness, lack of drive, and the feeling of being powerless.
Appreciation can only be expressed by those who have a high sense of self-worth!
At first glance, comparing oneself to those considered less capable may seem positive as it highlights one's own strengths and possessions compared to others. However, appearances can be deceiving, as the comparison with others usually falls short, just like comparing oneself to those considered superior. After the short-term rush of happiness hormones, similar to winning a 100-meter race, doubts often arise shortly afterward. One realizes that success is not always lasting, partly influenced by circumstances (luck, being in the right place at the right time, etc.), and only relates to that one aspect. Additionally, it should not be forgotten that success, especially when it occurs regularly, raises the expectations of others, creating an atmosphere of entitlement and increasing the pressure to achieve more and perform better. Simultaneously, efforts put into sports training, work dedication, or practicing an instrument are no longer appreciated. They are taken for granted. Many individuals suffer from such circumstances, as demonstrated by the fate of various "prodigies." However, such a situation almost always leads to loneliness: the person is no longer seen as a whole but merely on one level and solely compared based on objective success. If this level crumbles or is shattered by failure, the entire psychological system is often at risk and genuinely "hurt" in every sense of the word. When the entire self-worth is built upon a single pillar (an outstanding career, a sole passion, raising children, a "unique" partnership with few other social connections, etc.), the structure is inherently unstable and collapses once that pillar is removed. It can easily create a sense of lacking a foundation for existence. The consequences often include depression, burnout, or psychosomatic symptoms.
Proper appreciation
Although appreciation is a fundamental need for every human being, paradoxically, we often don't know how to appreciate properly and end up doing it far too little. Giving appreciation not only strengthens others but also oneself, and in the long run, it even promotes personal success. Those who genuinely celebrate the success of others and approach their fellow human beings with gratitude and appreciation appear more charismatic and confident. Since every individual has a natural need for recognition and appreciation, one can only benefit from expressing appreciation, even towards unsympathetic individuals or competitors.
Wertschätzung kommt in der Regel zurück, und zwar fast immer mit Zinsen!
So, how does one properly value their fellow human beings? It doesn't matter if it's appreciation for colleagues, friends, partners, relatives, strangers, or competitors. Here are the essential guidelines that most people can intuitively resonate with:
Meaningful Praise:
A compliment for something that means nothing to you or something you haven't put much effort into is only worth half as much as recognition for something that is significant to you or something you have invested a lot in. To do this, you need to first empathize with the other person. Individual praise is also received much better and holds more significance because most people receive compliments for the same things all the time. A rare compliment that one doesn't hear every day demonstrates special attention.
Specific Praise:
In addition, it is important to praise specific aspects as it appears more authentic. Nobody does everything perfectly, and most people are well aware of that. A specific compliment is much more meaningful than a general "great job" or "bravo." Anyone can give a "like" on a post, and it represents the minimum level of attention and acknowledgment. On the other hand, personal and specific appreciation usually means much more.
Praising at the Right Time:
While expressing appreciation during an annual review or acknowledging something from months ago is well-intentioned and better than no praise at all, it can never have the same impact as praise that is relevant to the current situation.
Praising without Ulterior Motives:
Praising someone, whether it's a colleague, boss, partner, or friend, with the intention of achieving something (such as boosting motivation, convincing the other person to say yes, gaining time, help, or attention) is not genuine appreciation; it comes across as emotionally manipulative. Let's not fool ourselves into thinking that the other person won't notice.
Personal Praise:
Although every person deserves equal appreciation in general, there are situations where appreciation is much more important than others. For example, it is unlikely to mean much to someone if an unknown person shouts "bravo" in a concert hall. However, the attendance of a close friend, teacher, or other significant individuals can have a much greater impact. This personal and genuine appreciation is also far more essential than a "like" on social media. If you are such a significant person, it is important to pay attention to the other aspects of showing appreciation.
Praising Adequately, but Not Excessively:
The motto "praise is the best form of criticism" is certainly not the right approach, and in everyday life, we often tend to show insufficient appreciation. However, praising everything and every little detail without reflection can have negative effects, not only on children's development of a stable self-image with strengths and weaknesses but also on how adults perceive it. Excessive or exaggerated praise comes across as inauthentic and can even have the opposite effect. It often appears indifferent, conveying the message that everything is generally praised because nothing is truly good or of particular interest to me. When one can assess oneself well, it becomes apparent quite quickly whether praise or criticism is more appropriate at any given time.
Criticism can also be Appreciative:
Well-intentioned and well-formulated criticism, accompanied by helpful advice (at least when requested), is often more appreciative than generic phrases like "everything is great" or "you're doing an amazing job" said out of fear of creating a negative atmosphere. With appreciative criticism, one conveys social connection and interest just like with praise, as it demonstrates genuine concern for the other person's growth and their issues or concerns, and a willingness to support them. Such appreciative criticism is best given in a personal and protected setting, such as a one-on-one conversation, and should also include positive and motivating aspects, rather than immediately following a critical experience, such as a failed concert.
Appreciating Oneself:
Treating oneself as one would treat a best friend, speaking kindly and appreciatively to oneself, forms the basis for a healthy self-esteem. It's not about excessive self-praise like "I'm the greatest" or "I'm the best," but rather about empathetically dealing with one's own strengths and weaknesses. Often, we are our own harshest critics. However, it has been observed that individuals who are excessively critical of themselves are also highly critical of others, tending to criticize, judge, and devalue them rather than showing appreciation.
Appreciating competitors:
Those who direct their (too) critical voice towards themselves also direct it towards others, often even more critically - often unconsciously, in order to feel better about themselves. Unfortunately, the opposite is true because it often further undermines self-worth when others do not share the criticism or when one secretly realizes that envy is behind it. Authentic recognition of the achievements of others - including competitors - not only improves the relationship with them but also helps to reflect on one's own strengths and weaknesses as well as those of others. Acknowledging the strengths of others can be very disarming and dignified, and it conveys a sense of serenity: One knows what one has to offer and has no need to point out the weaknesses of others.
Being grateful and expressing gratitude:
Often, we only focus on what we do not (yet) have or what could be better. Becoming aware of the treasures one has in life, the luck or coincidences that have come one's way, or the people who have already supported or continue to support us personally is a form of gratitude. This helps to treat oneself and others with more appreciation and to forgive the minor mistakes of others. In contrast, a constant focus on one's own disadvantage or losses often leads to bitterness.
Giving time & attention:
A wonderful non-verbal sign of appreciation is giving time. Taking the time - for a phone call, a meeting, a shared break, or an honest conversation - conveys to the other person that they are worth investing that time. Lacking time, constantly having other priorities, and being inattentive during shared meetings create the opposite effect.
Are cats ungrateful?
I would most likely answer "yes" to this question immediately, and I believe most cat owners feel the same way. Cats are famously independent and treat their humans more like their staff. Smilla is like that too, which is why I sometimes call her "my queen" when she enters through the balcony with her tail held high, her head held majestically, and a commanding gaze, only hinting with her shoulder where she wants to go: "to the kitchen, please, but the right food! Oh, and wait, now I want to go out again, but preferably through the bedroom window. Petting, maybe later, not in the mood right now (which is probably a typical female behavior in all mammals)." With dogs, it's usually the opposite, as they do everything for their owners. Fortunately, Smilla is a bit of both. She hears me coming home from a distance, gallops towards me with loud meows, and tells me how her day was when I enter. And if she doesn't get enough attention, she comes to my desk or the couch, looks at me, and complains. But by purring and lying down at my feet, she does show gratitude at times :-).
Sources & further reading
ARD Mediathek: Prof. Dr. Reinhard Haller - Das Wunder der Wertschätzung
Dunbar, R. I. (1998). The social brain hypothesis. Evolutionary Anthropology: Issues, News, and Reviews: Issues, News, and Reviews, 6(5), 178-190.
Goldstein, E. B., & Ritter, M. (2002). Wahrnehmungspsychologie (Vol. 2). Heidelberg: Spektrum Akademischer Verlag.
Haller, R. (2019). Das Wunder der Wertschätzung: Wie wir andere stark machen und dabei selbst stärker werden. Gräfe und Unzer.
Nuerk, H. C., Konrad, K., & Willmes, K. (2007). Kognitive Entwicklungsneuropsychologie. L. Kaufmann (Ed.). Göttingen: Hogrefe.
Wlodarek, E. (2019). Die Kraft der Wertschätzung: Sich selbst und anderen positiv begegnen. Deutscher Taschenbuch Verlag.
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